What is your virginity?

By Serge Kreutz

As a young woman, you should be aware about why you are lied to about your virginity by the people you trust the most, your parents and relatives. They tell you that in case you lose your virginity, you will never find a husband. That your virginity is your most precious possession. That in case you lose your virginity, your bridegroom will surly notice in your first night together with you, and that he will return you next morning, and that shame will come over your family.

All of this is nonsense. It is told to you for the same reason parents tell their unruly 6-year olds that if they don’t stop crying, the police will put them in jail. They tell it to you so that they can control your behavior. They think the more the frighten you, the less risk that you will get pregnant before marriage.

Fact is: the police do not put 6-year-old children into jail because they cry.

Fact is also: in case your virginity is lost, your bridegroom will never notice unless you tell him.

What is this virginity? If you think you are still a virgin, and if you are not afraid to do so, take a mirror and have a look.

Your vagina looks closed, but of course it is not. This is obvious because your menstrual blood flows out of the vagina. In Europe, many virgins even use tampons (though they are special small ones, for virgins). Tampons are finger-thick cotton plugs, 3 to 5 centimeter long, which are inserted into the vagina during menstruation, in order to absorb the blood. Virgins who use virgin tampons do not lose their virginity from this.

This is the case because the vagina is very elastic, even in virgins, and of course, the hymen (the skin associated with virginity) does not cover the vaginal opening.

This hymen is just a ring of skin at the edge of the vaginal opening. If you have a look, you will notice that the edge of the vaginal opening appears slightly whitish. This is the hymen.

Does it bleed when you lose your virginity? You may, indeed, bleed when you have intercourse the first time. But it’s not the breaking of the hymen that will cause almost all your bleeding. The hymen, actually, can be broken with hardly any blood appearing. This is the case because the hymen is so small, and the vessels that supply it with blood are so miniscule that actually, if just the hymen is broken, you will need a magnifying glass to see any red spots from bleeding.

Nevertheless, you will likely bleed during your first intercourse. Not from the breakage of your hymen, but from the first penetration.

Bridegrooms typically are not very literate in sexual conduct (except if you marry an older man, which, by the way, is not a bad option). Thus, your new husband is very likely to insert his penis before you are properly aroused. Chances even are that you are too nervous to be aroused at all.

If it is your first intercourse, especially if you are not properly aroused, your skin will likely break at several spots in the vaginal canal. And while the hymen itself is only slightly attached to flesh, the skin in the vaginal canal directly covers underlying flesh. The skin in your vaginal canal is by far not as strong as the skin on the exterior of your body, and if it is not properly lubricated, it breaks very easily.

Now, the bleeding that occurs during your first night is the bleeding from the blood supply of the flesh under the skin coverage of the vaginal canal. It is not from the hymen.

If, by all means, you need to bleed during your first night with your husband, inflict wounds in your vaginal canal when he uses you first. They then will bleed.

The recipe is: take the pain. The likelihood of wounds is all the greater the more painful the first intercourse is with your new husband. If you have access to sirih leaves, you can use them a few hours earlier, as they will cause vaginal dryness. But they are not a necessity. The wounds can usually be caused by just a few abrupt movements. If they are painful, your body will react in reflect, and your new husband will definitely believe that until a moment ago, you were a virgin.

There are, in Third World countries, very few young men who are literate in sexual matters, and their judgment on whether a woman entered marriage as a virgin will depend on whether she show signs of pain, and maybe on whether there is blood.

I understand that in some cultures, it is absolutely necessary that the bed sheet be bloodstained. If initial intercourse with your husband is not painful, you may not have suffered genuine wounds. In that case, just use your fingernail. Just act as if you want to remove his organ from yours, and scratch yourself at the vaginal entrance. You will certainly bleed, and quite possibly even substantial.

Did you have sexual intercourse before your marriage, maybe with a previous boyfriend? Should you tell him that you have been “used” before?

The answer is: NEVER

Why should you? Your husband to be will not know unless you tell him. I have never heard of a bridegroom inspecting his bride’s genitals in order to see whether she still is a virgin. Anyway, to see a difference at all, such an inspection would have to be done during bright daylight, or using a strong lamp, just as gynecologists (doctors for women) use it. The woman would have to sit in an elevated position, with her legs spread wide.

And even then, only a bridegroom who has done such inspections before could make a judgment

So, what if you are brought to a doctor to be examined?

What a doctor can judge is whether you have had regular intercourse or not. The vagina of a woman who has never had intercourse, or who has had intercourse only very occasionally (no difference there), will close tightly, even when she spreads her legs.

But the vagina of a woman who has given birth, or has had intercourse regularly for a period of time, will, when she spreads her legs, indeed appear as a hole.

Even if you have had intercourse occasionally before you are brought to a doctor, insist that you never had. The physician cannot be sure. While some women have a visible hymen, others don’t.

Furthermore, the physician may not be as creepy as the people who insisted that you have the examination. He may have more goodwill towards you. So, insist firmly that no, you have never had sexual intercourse, never in your life. Chances are that he will attest that you are a virgin, even when he suspects you are not.

The examining physician will definitely ask you whether you ever had intercourse. If you answer yes, then this is what he will report, even if he wished that you have said no.

Why? Because during the examination, he will not be alone with you in the room. Either there will be a nurse, or your mother will stand next to you. So, by all means, when you are asked whether you ever had intercourse, just say: NEVER.