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Two kinds of sexual love

By Serge Kreutz

I want to understand what sexual love is. I want to know so I can control it. I want to control how and when I love a woman, and I want to know what I have to do so that a woman I am interested in will indeed love me.

I would like my knowledge on love to be scientific, but love evades clear-cut cause-and-effect explanations.

There are two kinds of sexual love, and they are generated differently.

One kind of sexual love addresses emotional needs more than sexual needs, even though a sexual relationship is part of the love arrangement. This love is closeness and comfort. It deals with the logistics of life, especially if they are difficult, and involves helping each other, being there for each other, and so on. This kind of love is comparatively easy to engineer, by being a nice guy. Unfortunately, if in such a relationship, the logistics of life are settled well, a woman will likely have secret sexual affairs (at least if social rules make it possible). And a man, too, will seek other sexual opportunities.

The second kind of sexual love is a burning desire for the other person. This kind of love will likely be exclusive on the part of the loving partner. The loving partner will likely also experience great sex. And if you engineer this kind of love in your partner and in yourself, you will have a touching experience and a great time.

The key to engineering burning-desire love is just the right amount of a sense of defeat. This goes for the partner in whom we want to install burning-desire love, and it applies to ourselves if we want to make ourselves love another person more.

Sense of defeat is an extremely powerful psychological tool. We are all genetically primed to avoid defeat. And emotionally, the worst defeat is related to sexual partnerships. The psychological mechanism to avoid defeat, especially sexual defeat, is the immune system of the mind. Once we manipulate love, through mechanisms of defeat, especially jealousy, we put this psychological system into overdrive.

There are several techniques to achieve the desired results. Some are crude, such as indeed engaging into parallel relationships. Such techniques are crude because there actually is a person who is doing wrong.

More sophisticated techniques are entirely verbal, and actually, they do not produce somebody at fault. We talk and we listen. We talk if we want another person love us, and we listen if we want to surrender ourselves to a higher degree of love.

We talk, or listen, about past romantic experiences, or parallel imaginations without actually engaging in anything. But careful. The right dosage makes a medicine. An overdose is poison, and an underdose does not yield the desired result.

In a sexual or romantic relationship, all of us like to be the optimal partner. And the sense of defeat comes up if we ourselves or our partner is confronted with the idea that a previous person was better in any way.

But this sense of defeat must not be overdone. If it is overdone, the reaction may just be total withdrawal instead of total submission to love.

The other danger is that the technique is discovered as a lie. To find the right dosage, and to talk the right lines, takes some experience and a fair amount of emotional understanding of ourselves and the other person.