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The psychology of better sex

By Serge Kreutz

I admit that my articles are based primarily on own experience and self-observation, not on clinical trials or formal scientific research. However, I do believe that both my experience and my self-observation are representative for many men, and the feedback I am getting is largely affirmative.

Most sex therapists have got it wrong. They ‘ve got it wrong because they usually are trained psychologists. Trained psychologists are focused on solving problems; if they are sex therapists, they are focused on solving relationship problems and tensions in relationships.

But I, and many men and women, know that sex is best in or after conflict situations. This is most obvious when we are jealous. Jealousy can make us obsessed with sexual imaginations (gratefully so), we enjoy enormous stamina, and the psychological pain we feel from being jealous can transform itself into the best orgasms ever.

But jealousy is not the only dramaturgic element that can enhance our sense of sexual pleasure. Sex is also enhanced when we break up a steady relationship, and the next day are together again. Sex is enhanced after fierce family arguments. It’s enhanced when we have been deeply offended by the girlfriend or wife.

All of these conflict situations miraculously have the power to make us sexually more focused on the person with whom we have a steady love relationship.

Some couples argue all the time, even about totally irrelevant matters. Many people, even psychologists, often do not understand why such couples stay together.

Of course, there are practical reasons. It may be difficult for either to find a replacement partner. Breaking up can bring economic hardship. Separate living space may be hard to find.

But there often is another element. It can be so gratifying, emotionally, to make peace after having argued. Sex can be fantastic in such a situation. Unconsciously, couples who argue every day may initiate arguments not because of a specific subject matter but because the quiet after the storm is so rewarding. It is a situation not unlike the one gambling addicts are seeking. Gambling addicts, unconsciously, are in the game to lose, not to win, because, as masochists, they enjoy the extreme thrill of being defeated.

I am a practical man, an engineering mind. I pursue insight and knowledge not for the sake of consciousness but beyond that, for the sake of applying it. And the above insight can indeed be used to improve one’s sexual experience and satisfaction.

The funny thing is that we can trick our unconscious mind in a way, we ourselves would be hard to trick. Hypnotists make extensive use of this fact. And as autosuggestion everybody can apply this knowledge to one’s own benefit.

You can look into the mirror and come to the objective conclusion that you are below average looking. This could be a good reason to be depressed.

However, if you mentally repeat hundreds of times: “I am a good looking man, I am a good looking man, I am a good looking man, ?. then you will, yes, you will become more self-confident. You can become a winner, even if you have the face of a loser, just because your unconscious mind is convinced that you are a winner. This conviction has been imprinted in your unconscious mind by consciously repeating hundreds of times that, yes, you are a good-looking winner. Somehow, auto-suggestive sentences can bypass our rational mind, and shape our unconscious view of the world and ourselves.

I have only recently learned about an Indian movement in laugh therapy. Laughter is reputed to be the best medicine, even in the rational-minded West. Now, one of the slogans of this Indian movement is: Fake it, fake it, until you make it.

This slogan summarized the idea and observation that the positive effect laughter exerts on health can be provoked by just pretending to laugh when there really isn’t anything funny.

One can also reap it the benefits of such an approach if one’s purpose is better sex.

Obviously, in a life partnership (even a temporary one), arguments can be costly and destructive to the practical challenges of every-day life. We want to prosper, and if the husband smashes the TV set every week, and the wife tears his and her clothes in anger, prosperity will be hard to achieve.

But if the arguments are faked, just as the laughter in that Indian movement, real losses can be avoided. In an ideal setting, the unconscious mind is tricked into believing that there is conflict, while the conscious mind is aware that it’s all just play.

For example, you can sell her, in a jokingly voice, that of all men in the world, you are the one who ended up with the most brainless wife. You can scold her over small shortcomings, and threaten her with a trashing. Now, even if she holds a doctorate in philosophy, and even if she knows that this is all just drama, and in spite of the fact that you never beat her, such conflict talk will still have an effect on her unconscious mind.

Likewise, if she tells you that your member is below average in size, and that she fantasizes about a man with a real big penis, your conscious mind may be aware that this is just pep talk, and that in reality, your member is above average in size. But your unconscious mind will still react as if what you heard were seriously correct.

It’s a dream world.

Those among us who are just straight may find the subjugation scenes played by pronounced sadists or masochists outright ridiculous. Those who are into SM may use children’s dungeon toys, and just dream themselves sexually into the darkest Middle Ages. Surprisingly, for the sexual enhancement effect they are after, it works just fine.

While playing SM scenes may not be everybody’s cup of coffee, the auto-suggestive pro-sexual effect of dramaturgic elements can nevertheless be applied by about everybody who cares.

Pretending conflict can actually become a personal style of communication. It’s suitable for extroverted characters. Masters of pretended conflict can even come across as exceptionally charming men, especially when they can mix degrading and non-serious flattering comments in one sentence.